A lot of people have benefited from me not knowing my worth.
You're welcome. I do hope you received what you wanted and needed out of the situation. However, in this new life realm, there won’t be any room for anymore of that. I know!, It never should have happened to begin with, but here I am analyzing my life at this big grown age. Sidenote: Parents, please teach your children about boundaries and self respect. It's imperative to understand this gift in this space we're existing in. Give them a guide, the blueprint and the floorplan. Words of encouragement and acknowledgment will strengthen them in ways we can't see physically, so with that being said, if you’d like to have a relationship, friendship, acquaintanceship or any type of “ship” with me you must go through love, first. This is how I'm setting the tone and energy from today till death. If I don't feel any love, peace or comfort in it, whatever it is, I will not respond or react. Accept my silence as armor for my protection.
Soft love, gentleness, kindness and empathy will be the correct passwords to a successful login to me. I'm only responding to such, once you have gotten through my portal, don't switch up, continue the flow of positivity. While you're here, I don’t want to hear about past hate, aggression or the constant back and forth with someone who misunderstands you on purpose, yet you won't leave that person to their own insanity. Is it that difficult to ask if I have the capacity to listen to another one of your life problems before you dump on me?
Selfish much? Yes I am! Call it what you want but I'm tired of hearing about the same Peanut from back in the day because we both know that he's NOT changing so please, unhand him. Yes I know your job sucks, it has been for well over 10 years now, make a power move. Most of us have sibling struggles every now and again, talk it out with them in therapy, I don't want to hear it. I can sympathize with us latchkey kids and the stress from our guardians, but suga, a forewarning, I don't wanna hear it. Big life lesson for you, if they want to, they will. My boundaries are not requests, they are demands. I will choose to have good days, I will choose to make good choices for my well-being, I will choose to follow the tranquility that comforts me.
I'm going to feel love, within myself, engulfed in understanding and enlightenment, care and comfort. This is my want and my necessity. Soon I'll be taking growth to a new level, casually speaking, I have a plethora of astonishing endeavors in the impending future, so having a leveled and balanced brain is now pivotal once they move into action mode.
One hurdle I've been actively working on is empathy and allowing myself physical embrace. I was reading an article on affection and the warmth of a physical hug. Unbeknownst to me, hugs are powerful. Well damn.
I didn’t understand how good they are for you. Yes, something as simple as a hug; a short squeeze or long cuddle. For years I refused to hug people. You couldn't get me to do it, if you've ever seen a Libra in the process of making a tough decision, ask me for a hug. It could possibly get violent. I really just didn’t want anyone to touch me; I didn’t like it. It felt weird to me. With some exceptions, I totally avoided it at all costs and it seemed like everyone I came across wanted a "damn" hug. (My disdain for them).
I can hug my children all day. I’m literally their personal teddy bear and body pillow. Their squeezes are reassurances that my day isn't as chaotic as I've made it out to be. They are also very much indispensable. My baby daddy has a consolatory grip attached to his hugs. I could get lost in his chest since he's a mountain over little ole me. I like him, he aight. At my grown age I’m just now realizing that it wasn’t the actual hug I was weary of, it was the harsh undertones of negative energy I was receiving from the soul on the giving end. There are some truly unhappy beings on this earth and transfer of energy, whether it be positive or negative, is real. If you don't take anything from todays journal entry, know this...divine souls are rare, when you find one, cherish it, campaign for it, respect and never let it tarnish. It's one of life's purposes.
It was also chasing the comfort and release (oxytocin and serotonin), that hugs are associated with, from emotionally unavailable individuals in my adolescent years AND do I dare say it, yes I shall, not being hugged or comforted in my much younger, innocent years and with that, you’ll tend to get me, an avoid all or a front X crosser (blocking the heart) through embrace. I absolutely hated giving someone a warm hug and literally feeling nothing in return. Ugh, can you unhug someone? Right, of course not, well I should be owed back trauma rent, but I won't hold anyone to it, I've moved forward. As I sit here not thinking about who this blog may piss off, I'm allowed to do what's best for me and remain beautiful and soft in the process.
I can't, under any circumstances, contribute to anymore situations that will bring out the worst in me. Yet, I am not without fault. I am currently conquering what triggers my negative thoughts and becoming sounder every day. I sage myself and those around me. I mind my own business. It takes strength to accept my own truths and make changes to improve myself. The past me was always defensive and remained stagnant in emotional growth, I refuse to continue that path. I teach my children to be confident in themselves and walk with aspiration and intent. I teach my son to be chivalrous and playful and my girls to be softhearted and composed, interchangeably, of course. They're all taught to be kind and make good daily choices. They are my most enjoyable possessions and soul savers, trust me, I wouldn't be so kind if they weren't a part of me. Let's not get it twisted thou, they are still not to be played with, I'm only a "Mom, I need you", call away. No negotiations or compromises. On my life!
Imma go 'head and end this discussion here. This will be a 2-part entry as I need to take a moment for self care. You should as well. How long has it been? Focus on yourself after this read, meditate, have a glass of wine, soak in your favorite salts or indulge in an extra special night cap. Self-love is the highest frequency that attracts your wants, needs, desires and manifestations. Don't you ever skip out on it again.
I appreciate you taking the time and showing up for me, here's a gentle and loving virtual hug for you.