Mental health needs top priority. Full frontal. Full stop. There should be no compromising on this. Just imagine if everyone focused on their own mental health, their own peace, their own happiness, and their own personal self love journey. No one would have the time to dictate how another person should be prioritizing their lives. How amazing does that sound? At least on paper it does and even saying it out loud but there's no reality in that and in 2022 we are no where near close to having that type of time or energy. Unfortunately. But what if we did, one by one what would happen if we took action to understand ourselves and the lives we were given. What’s the functionality of this life, the one we are standing in? When do we accept and finalize our purpose? What is it for? What does it mean? I have so many questions.
I’ve been having dreams. Interesting dreams. None like I’ve had in the past. In all honesty, they’ve been disturbing. I’m not sure what to make of them. I’ve googled. I’ve asked around and even reached out to professionals. I’m baffled.
I see people, they’re arguing. Their faces are different but by the conversation I can identify who they could possibly be. One night they were so intense in the moment that one of them were literally being held back from trying to aggressively lunge towards the other party. They were angry, hurt and inconsolable. The pain between the eyebrows, the closed throat and the rage in their eyes. This one definitely sounded like a spoiled romantic relationship. Another day it sounded like a mother-daughter duo. Again, a lot of pain and hurt. No one was listening to the other, just shouting. The day after that it was two small girls, battling. I’m talking WWE & F wrestling, way too much pain for them to be so young, not to mention, the house looked like a tornado ran through it. It was in shambles. I believe the worst one was the more gruesome one, I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the abortion I had not so long ago.
I may seem contradictory at times but I promise you I’m just mood-driven. It feels like I’m happy and healing but I’m also hurting at the same time. I’ve been struggling to heal. The part that needs healing is embedded in my genetic makeup, add traumas that I’ve allowed myself to go through, I’m destroyed. At this point in my life, aggression, pain and hurt serves me no purpose. It makes me and breaks me at the same time. It's a gift and a curse since, at times, it was definitely needed and helpful. I was safe in it and it got me through hard and awkward times, however, I’m ready to bury it and move onto a new. I like the softer side of life, it doesn’t break my body down. It allows more positive people in and opens the mind for more understanding. I now appreciate the philosophical aspect of life considering that at times I felt like I was on borrowed time. Although I don’t know how much time I have, I am now living in my truth. This truth has allowed me to revisit those same dreams I’ve mentioned above.
I watched from the outside, almost like I was on a movie set. I said nothing. I just observed. When I got the courage, I was able to walk around and see the faces of the “opponents” in my dream. I knew them, I’ve had dealings or relationships with them. As I turned to glance at the aggressive “lunger”, as clear as day, with no second guessing, I saw my own face, I saw me. It was definitely me. Like a whip in massa’s hand, I watched how I swiftly lashed my pain at other people. I felt my own hurt. I can hear decades of pain in my own voice. It was frightening, scary and almost hard to watch, and with all of that it didn’t matter what they did to me, how their actions caused me to react, and who was right or wrong. It should never have gotten to the point where I lost myself.
This is how I know I’m in the healing stages of trauma. I’m able to process my own actions and feel remorseful of them. I really do wish I had the tools of understanding, communication and grace then like I do now. I wouldn’t have left such a dark trail up a rocky cliff in my younger years. I'm nowhere near perfect, I still have a quick reaction time, but my battles don't bury me nor do they live within me. I’ve never had a dream like those dreams and whatever it takes, I’m ready.
This shadow work is WORK! I am now in the consequences phase of my actions. With that being said, I decided to distance myself and work on my innermost thoughts, actions, past and hurt to become who’ve I’ve always known I’d be. A soft spoken, easy going, openly loving individual.
So in my new form of healing steps I took a trip to Hildago, MX to Grutas Tolantongo (toe-lon-tawn-go). The Mexican hot springs. My friend Shay and I flew to Mexico City for a light getaway. FYI...the food is MUCH better than Merida. Hell jail meals are better than Merida. I booked a group tour on Airbnb experiences ahead of my arrival. They picked us up close to our apartment and shuttled us 4hrs to our destination. We stopped for breakfast and coffee which was included in the ticket price. It was a long ride. But we made it safely up those steep hills and gravel roads. Upon arriving and finally setting our eyes on this Insta worthy destination we were extremely disappointed lol! It was hella people and KIDS there. A family water park pretty much. A cross between the damn wave pool in Westwego and Schlitterbahn in Texas. It wasn’t the soft and quiet spot as the insta thots want you to believe, we were already over it. There was no way we could edit that many folx out of one picture and it still be cute. Also, having a pool to yourself was nearly impossible, it was a wait game, but we made the most of it. We took our time to get the best photo ops and embraced the beautiful scenery. It was truly magical. After leaving the natural hot springs we strutted to the caves. This is where all the stressed vanished. It’s where all the sounds of trauma ceased. In that moment there were no angry voices swirling around me. My brain couldn’t process what my eyes were seeing. It literally looked like the pearly gates in heaven, if it was on earth. I won't even try to describe it further, I'll post as many pics I can.
So as I said earlier, this shadow work is WORK! It's definitely needed and it's way past time. Some prompts I will be working on includes: "In what areas in my life do I feel I'm censoring myself", "What chapter in life am I ready to leave behind", "What boundaries do I need to create in my relationships", "How can I cultivate a deeper sense of self-worth". I'm confident I'll be fine, I've always figured out how to work anything in my favor, I just need to remember to be cute and soft in the process.
Thank you for listening and hearing my thoughts, I'm grateful for you. Follow me for more and please subscribe to more of me through my website.
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